This weekend I went home to Iowa for a short visit. I hadn't been back since the beginning of January, which is a record for me. Last summer I slept four nights in my latin-ghetto apartment and three nights in Iowa, almost every week. Having had this long of a break from mom-watch, I was able to come home with fresh eyes. Here are some of the things I learned:

1) Relatives you hate should never have their own billboards
A certain cousin that I despise owns a business in town. Since the beginning of last year there has been a billboard advertising her business posted along the route I take to my mom's house. The billboard is not always in the same place, so I'm never sure exactly where I'm going to see my cousin's face smirking down on me. On Saturday I was less than a mile from my mom's house and hadn't spotted it yet, so I started to rejoice. Then I saw it, bigger and fuglier than ever. The temptation to drive my car through it was strong, but I resisted the urge. I do worry that someday my road rage will overtake me and I will plow my way through it.

2) The family dog is stalking my mother
It's true. Coco, the six pound poodle my parents got from a rescue place several years ago, is full on stalking my mom. He use to stalk my dad, so I guess it is a transference of affection thing. But it is so strange. My mom can be sitting at the kitchen table and decide to move to the chair next to her. Five seconds later the dog will have adjusted his position so he can keep on eye on her. He follows her everywhere. When she walks from one room to the next he is no more than six inches behind her. When she is sitting in our family room he needs to sit in her lap. It doesn't matter how many times she puts him down, he jumps back up. If she tries to go to the bathroom and shut the door he will scratch on it until she opens it. She even told me that she is afraid he might jump into the shower with her one day. Not that she would be scared of a six pound poodle. She's just worried he might hurt himself on the slippery tiles. He is driving her crazy though.

3) Moms can be funny
My mom does this thing that I like to call The Carol. Whenever she says something that might not be politically correct, my mother says it in a stage whisper. She has no idea she does this. She has done this all my life, and it has driven me crazy for most of it. Normally I just roll my eyes or do a mental head slap, but this weekend my mother went on a mini rant about how some of her relatives speak. Specifically, she talked about each relative's version of The Carol. All of my relatives have them. Her personal favorite was my Aunt Juanita's version, and now that I think back I remember my aunt doing this. Anytime she said something that was scandalous (in her eyes this could be saying the word Catholic), she would say it in a bit of a stage whisper and would throw in a head shake. But the head shake wasn't a small one. Oh no, it was done as if she were on a stage and people in the 13,000th row needed to see it. Her body almost quaked with the enthusiasm she used when shaking her head. Seeing my mom do her imitation of The Juanita was hysterical.

I just had a thought. If all my relatives have some personalized version of The Carol, does this mean I will develop one of my own? Or does The Kelly already exist and I'm just clueless that I do it?

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